if not after, impossible without, John Murillo & Ross Gay
Fine, you’ve seen me — standing in the restroom,
Razors in the skull, wrists to my head, it was some-
Thing I couldn’t stop talking/thinking/singing of
For years — but nevermind, it’s morning. Today
I walked through Oakland and caught my reflection
And thought that’s a future, and then that night I drove
Down Adeline and thought Hey, I have years in me.
As much time as this planet has, maybe. I’m not dead.
The sweets taste sweet in my mouth. I’m trying harder
Than you know not to be a self-help poet. I’m warning
You. By the end I’m going to tell you how in the end
I’ve elected air, how you should tell them, today I’ve
My body, blinking, in the air, and if the air does right
By me maybe it will be back again tomorrow, and if not
May I stay through grief, may I see the blood brained
In the mirror and wash, for you, this is what I wish.
Something happened between the long drive home
And didactic art. Something came between me this
Morning as I was slipping on myself. My friend slips
His father into a t-shirt after surgery. My roommates
Are in love, undramatically. This is the part where
I’m listing all the things that are beautiful in my world.
Does it make you sad to know? I’m trying to peel
This back for you. It’s a stubborn-stemmed banana.
It’s a tough one. Did you know bananas are berries?
I’m speaking to you plain as I can so you feel closer
To me, not farther. You deserve all the closeness you
Can bear. I burned for years chasing my father
Into the sun. It was only half his fault. Really.
I used to hate everyone for who they weren’t.
Some smaller part of me still does. I’m sorry.
Not one by one, but all at once, lights flicker on
In the marshes. I love what they’re doing with
The place. I’m scared. Some people make it
So easy. The way this afternoon’s early golden
Light came through the glass and lit up Eric
On the couch and it let me look at him and
I felt it all so easy; listen. So quiet. So still.
Yuvi comes down the stairs and hugs him
And the air around her vibrates and the air
Around him hardly wiggles at all but look
At how we both look at their sweet breathing
In this near evening together. Look at how
They look at one another, together, and we
Can watch this, and it can all be okay. If I
End on this image, it can all be okay. Under-
Stand? No mystery. Not here. Only these
Small beats between hearts you’re maybe a bit
Too good at noticing. Dear, you could stand
To lean the other way. Sorry, I’m looking
For who you aren’t again. Making up stories.
The berries are peeled. Breakfast is ready. Standing
Here like this I feel like your childhood friend’s
Parents, after the sleepover. You know, the ones
You never did tell; they were your parents, too.1
1 That’s all. You can tell them now. You should.